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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in floydfanatic86's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
8:03 pm
Winter break
So, it's certainly been an interesting winter break at home. Christmas went well with hanging out with the family and all, but I'm sorta disappointed in myself in regards to ordering Christmas gifts and sending out cards pretty late. Did get some cool stuff though - The Dark Knight, Season 1 of The Simpsons, 2 Borders gift cards, an Amaazon gift card, and clothes. Had a fun New Year's Eve with the family too - we played Rock Band and Scene It, and I had some various alcohols (champagne, wine, hard cider).

New Year's Day hasn't been quite as enjoyable, though. My mother has not only been pissed at my dad for drinking too much last night, but she was also upset that she had to stay at home and cook on New Year's Day. Sometimes I just really hate being in this household and having to deal with all the drama, and I just really wish my dad could get his problems with alcohol under control. I feel like I always have to mediate things around me - I know that's gotten me into a heap of trouble before - but I also hate to sit around and do nothing while things are going badly. Things seem to be better for the moment, but I'm not really sure if they really are.
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
3:33 am
Good news + Thanksgiving break
So, it's been a good few weeks since I last updated. Been busy with schoolwork (15 page min paper due on last Tuesday, lab practical I had today) and all mostly, and basically just haven't had anything to really talk about that's been going on with me. Did manage to have a good Thanksgiving break though.

Basically slept and did nothing on Wednesday, went down to Virginia on Thanksgiving with my relatives - had some beers, some wine, ate good food, and played some ping pong - all in all a pretty good time. Friday I went to the house of the friends of my friend Stephanie, which was pretty cool, though my car wasn't working when I left home (basically almost ran it out of oil, ugh). Saturday I went to another friend of Stephanie's house and had a fun time playing pool there, then went to watch Twilight with her and her friend after the party. Twilight wasn't as good as I hoped it would be, but sometimes that happens when books are adapted into movies. Didn't really do much on Sunday except some homework.

Besides that, I got some really good news today. I've been on Match.com recently to try to get back into dating and all, and though it hadn't been going so well before, in the last couple of weeks, things have been looking up. I've been talking to this girl, Allison, who seems pretty interesting - likes action movies, roller coasters, coffee (yeah, I got sucked into the family love of coffee) - all sounds good to me. I had recently sent her an e-mail asking if she'd like to meet sometime, and after a week of waiting, I was beginning to think that I had scared her off.

Luckily, I found out today that this was not the case at all. She's been busy and sick, so that's understandable, but yeah, I got an e-mail from her today saying that she'd like to go for some coffee when she's feeling well again. So yeah, basically I'm psyched, because from the looks of it, I might actually have something to look forward to and be happy about. Not that I shouldn't be anyways, but really, I've been in need of something or someone to pick my spirits up, and this might be just what I need.

I'll update when anything happens :)

Current Mood: happy
Thursday, November 6th, 2008
10:09 pm
Poems for Wisteria, a literary journal
The Patient

Blood flows out of my mouth
As you spit in my face
Rub in the salts in my wounds
Just like the old days
When you cursed me out
While I begged for your help
And kicked me down the stairs
Your cruelness unending
I can't escape it any longer
As your hate rips through my skin
And I lay hopeless in this white hell
God's intervention will save me
One grand day
And until then
I'll resist your rampant attacks

Stripped Axons


Walking along the barren corridors
No one left in sight
Stumble across a shadow of myself
Shivering like a cold night
And with this comes the knowledge
An insight into the scene
Once things used to be manageable
But that seems like long ago
Ego crushed, heart ripped out
Reduced to this shattered mess
You’d think I’d recover better
You’d think this wouldn’t occur
Happened once before
But now I can’t find the cure
I’ve done all I can
I’ve done all I know how
This sickness is too vast
Gotta find some help now

The Traveler


The wind sends a crisp breeze
Invoking the very smell of fall
Far from the wreck of my past have I come
Brighter highways up ahead
Cleaner cars fly by
This same road I traveled before
Once desolate and dead
Now bustling with energy
Smile as I look on
Proud that life could live on
Where it appeared once invisible

Sexual system


Look at you differently
If you answer it wrong
If you say you turn left
Instead of turning right
Mock you as if their way
Was the only way
Treat you as something less than human
They deserve a serious slap to the face
For their limited view on life
One day I hope they feel
The pain of being discriminated against
And regret how they treated you
And others just as human as themselves

Torturous habit


Head hits the desk
Head slams on down
Jars me awake
Feel like a clown
Habitual torture
Habitual madness
Can’t make it stop
Can’t make it out
Too much fun
To stay up so late
But if I’m falling apart
Will I ever get a date?

Never known


Misconstrued
Like I speak a foreign language
Like I use a different alphabet
Kept in the cage of denial
Denied the sustenance of understanding
And compassion from others
The passer-bys laugh
Point and cackle
A deafening laughter emanates forth
A river of blood flows
Out of the ears of the deafened
Who shall never be known
And continue never knowing
With the silver lining thrown to the moon
Retrieval is unfathomable

New life

The times of the abhorrence and pain
The apprehension and paranoia
Recalling them is something I can still taste
When my vast trust would drive me on
Then evaporate as fast as it was obtainable
Accusing the people seemed proper at first
Along with myself
And culminating with the Architect himself
For being unable to use that muscle in my mouth
And stop quivering at the knees
Then by immersing myself with those already social
I was able to become a civilized human being
Hold actual conversations as one
And walk with confidence as one
Small talk was still not fully mastered
But this new life was turning out for the better



Current Mood: tired
Sunday, November 2nd, 2008
11:38 pm
Halloween and the weekend
So, for once, I've actually got some stuff that's worth talking about.

For Halloween, I decided to go over a friend's house, a friend I hadn't seen in probably a year and maybe more who's a fellow Hood College student. It went pretty well - got to catch up with her, and then watched some TV for a while, and after she went to bed I watched Princess Mononoke with her roommate and her roommate's friend. Had a couple of beers there - Sam Adams (Octoberfest flavor) and some beer with a Viking on it, if I recall correctly, both were really good.

All and all a pretty decent Halloween, I have to say, except for what happened when I got back to my room, around 3 AM I believe. I heard a tinkling sound outside my door, so I opened it to investigate to find a guy peeing right on the tile floor in front of my door. I told him that he was peeing on my floor, but he didn't respond, and looked rather drunk. I wasn't sure at the time if I should get louder to get his attention so he would stop and risk drawing attention from the rest of the floor (didn't really want to wake up those that were asleep), or if I should tap him or something (in fear that he might be a violent drunk or something). I ended up just shutting the door and cleaning the piss up once he was finished.

Seriously...how drunk does one have to be to confuse a small alcove with the bathroom? It should be simple enough to notice that lack of toilets, no matter how inebriated one is. I've been pretty far gone a couple times here and there, but damn, I could at least still find the restroom if needed *sigh*

Yesterday was pretty fun, went to the Georgetown are of D.C. with a couple of friends, Ony and Sharron, two alums of Hood. Ate at this nice Vietnamese restaurant, where I had this tasty caramel shrimp and rice dish and a Vietnamese beer by the name of Tiger - pretty good beer, I have to say, much better than most American beers that I've tried. Went around and looked at a few stores (shoes store is the one I recall) and then we stopped to get some food at Pizzeria Paradiso - I had a lamb sandwich and an Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock, an imported German beer. Damn, the Celebrator is one of the best beers I've ever had - I'd rank it right up there with Guinness. Walked around the Georgetown mall after that, got An American Werewolf in London and The Boondock Saints in the FYE there, then looked at some clothing stores and some other various stores with cool stuff. Can't remember the name of the bar/book store we ended up going to, but had this brownie soaked in Amaretto that was really tasty and a shot of 1800 brand tequila - as good as Jose Cuervo and Patron, imo. That was about it for the night.

Today, didn't really do much of anything, but did watch Seven (which I provided) for a movie showing for Hood's Society of Modern Visual Culture (a student club). I managed to not really choke up when discussing aspects of the movie and specifically about the plot, such as with the idea of taking the sinner and using his sins against himself/herself to bring about their repentance or their demise, and whether John Doe, the killer, had the right to ethically decide to take someone's life if need be (or, in this case, to set it up for the person to take their life or decide on the choice that would lead to death). I have to say, while I had my issues with discussing movies with this club, it does seem interesting, and I'd definitely like to see how it would play out with other movies that will be shown during the movie nights in the future.

Current Mood: calm
Monday, October 6th, 2008
5:17 pm
Weekend
So, this weekend wasn't too boring, for once.

Went down to Merriweather on Saturday for Seether/Papa Roach/Staind concert with a friend and a couple of others. I didn't really know that many Seether songs at all, besides "Fake It", but they were alright. Papa Roach and Staind kick ass - they played a good selection of newer songs and older, classic songs, so all in all it was a great concert.

Sunday, I stayed home for most of the night and headed back to Hood to watch the movie being shown for the Society of Modern Visual Culture, which was American Psycho. I was about 1/2 late, but I still caught most of the movie, and it was cool seeing it again.

Other than that, there's the usual drama that I seem to perpetuate now...last night and some stuff that had gone on before. The damage is done, so all that's left to do now is just wait it out. I seriously need to change my ways - I'm sick of acting like a freak and being paranoid - my self-control is so low at times it's not even funny; I've pushed too many people away, and if I don't change that, I'll never be comfortable with myself.

I'd like to get out of this college now; there's barely anyone left here that I care about (it's sad that I can count all those people on one hand now). I don't want to talk to freshmen and underclassmen (there's a few people from class of 2010 that are cool, though), and I don't know what to do in regards to making any new connections. I suppose I'll just have to try to be friendly and talk to some people at Irving's party on Friday; at least that - and this weekend - should be fun.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
11:25 pm
Friend meme thingy
1. Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits.
2. Answer one question with one name.
3. Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme

Meh, I don't feel like typing out real names...LJ usernames will have to suffice.

Questions:

1. quotidian_flesh
2. whodigiya
3. No one I can think of
4. mwuah
5. preppystephie
6. zuhltebarbarian
7. preppystephie
8. roadhog14532
9. twitchymouse
10. jmie
11. ovrtrubledwtr
12. poizen ivy
13. preppystephie
14. whodigiya
15. roadhog14532
16. ovrtrubledwtr
17. ernestinewalker
18. mwuah
19. quotidian_flesh
20. zuhltebarbarian
21. twitchymouse
22. hmmm...zuhltebarbarian
23. No one
24. ovrtrubledwtr
25. Um, I have no clue
26. roadhog14532 (lol...)
27. jmie
28. preppystephie
29. Honestly, on my friends list...nobody
30. So, like this is a friends meme thingy. You wanna see the questions? Comment me first and only then shall all be revealed! :p

Current Mood: tired
Sunday, September 7th, 2008
12:18 am
Weekend and trouble
So, it's been a decent weekend.

Last night I went down to D.C. with some of my friends and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Food was pretty good, drinks were good (Don Julio tequila margarita and a purple haze - can't remember the liquor in the latter, but it was really good), and blue cheese is nasty (I don't know why I ordered the burger with that on it...).

After that, we wandered around until we reached Chinatown, where we went into a Thai restaurant called Thai Chili. Had a couple of drinks there (sake martini, which had sake and vodka in it, which was kind of sour and blech, and a concoction the bartender called called fireworks, which had sake, blue caracc liquor, and cherry juice in it, and a lemon rind that was lit on fire!). So yeah, that sake martini was definitely the drink that hit me the hardest, though I'm not sure if it was because of the combined effects of sake and vodka or that I drank it fairly quickly because I didn't want to sip on it for a long time. For some reason it also made me a tad nauseous, but that went away quickly enough. Got some fried dumplings to help take away the sour taste of the sake martini too.

That was the bulk of last night, really. After that, went to some club or bar (couldn't tell which) that was in the same area as Thai Chili and sat down until it stopped raining outside. Managed to make it back to Frederick without any incident, either.

Now, today, well, that kind of got messed up. I was planning on hanging with some people in Frederick today, mainly those that weren't able to come down with me yesterday (plus, only have limited space in my car anyhow). However, since I put the planning of that off a lot more than I did for Friday, I got to people without giving them very much of a notice. Due to that, I really wouldn't have been able to hang with many people tonight, so I decided to postpone it all until next weekend. Kinda bored and can't really concentrate on homework, but I'm not really that bummed about it - I like my peace and quiet at times too.

That's the part of today that I'm ok with - here's the part of today that I'm not ok with.

One of my Facebook friends recently removed me from their friends list and I haven't the faintest clue why that could be. I think she blocked me on AIM too. I haven't really talked to this friend too often, but I'm under the impression that she's been fairly busy this semester. And she has talked to me at points during the summer - basically, I haven't seen any indication that she doesn't like me as a friend anymore. So I'm really confused as to what's going on - I sent her a message, but I haven't gotten a response back.

I really don't want to lose anyone else as a friend. I've had enough of that, and I'd like to keep as many Hood friends as possible. I might just be being paranoid at the moment and freaking out, I don't know. It could even be that I've just been pestering her too much or something.

Either way, I'd like to figure this out - if there's one thing I hate not getting, it's closure.

Current Mood: calm
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
2:11 pm
Random lyrics that I can relate to
Here's some random lyrics from songs by the band The The, an English 1980s band that stopped being fairly productive in the early 90s, with the only permanent member being Matt Johnson. They kind of dwell on the more negative side of human emotions, but meh, I tend to feel those stronger anyhow. A few are just some pretty lyrics too.

"How can anyone know me, when I don't even know myself?" - Giant, Soul Mining (1983)

"I've got you under my skin where the rain can't get in
But if the sweat pours out
Just shout
I'll try to swim and pull you out" - Uncertain Smile, Soul Mining (1983)

"I don't know what's wrong or right
I'm just a regular guy with bottled up insides
I ain't ever been to church or believed in Jesus Christ
But I'm praying
That God's with you
When you die" - Sweet Bird of Truth, Infected (1986)

"Well I didn't want to hurt your feelings, honey
But I couldn't suppress my own
I had to pull myself out of this nosedive
By proving something to myself"

"I was trying so hard to cleanse/please/be myself
I was turning into somebody else"

- both from Out of the Blue (Into the Fire), Infected (1986)

Matt Johnson: "I'm too intense, to be tender"
Neneh Cherry: "You're too weak, to be true. You try to make it easier upon yourself."
Matt Johnson: "By making it harder on you"

-Slow Train to Dawn, Infected (1986)

"Everybody knows
What's goin' wrong
With the world
I don't even know what's goin' on
In myself"

"You gotta work out your own salvation
With no explanation
To this earth we fall
On hands and knees we crawl
And we look up to the stars
And we reach out and pray
To a deaf, dumb, and blind God
Who never explains"

"I'm just a slow emotion replay of somebody
I used to be"

- all three from Slow Emotion Replay, Dusk (1992)

"If you can't change the world
Change yourself
And if you can't
Change yourself...change the world" - Lonely Planet, Dusk (1992)

"Love is stronger than death" - Love is Stronger Than Death, Dusk (1992)

Current Mood: thoughtful
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
2:14 pm
School starting up again
It's that time again, time for the college semester to start up again, on this Monday. I'm kind of split in how I'm feeling about that - I'm excited to see my Hood friends again and to be back in that college atmosphere, but I'm also afraid that I'm not going to have that many people to hang out with. With the friends I'm pushed away too, things seem even more hopeless.

My core group of Hood friends have graduated and it's going to be tough to get on without them. It's surprised me how I took it so well when Monchel and Stacy graduated, but it's never been quite the same since Ony graduated and Camille went back home. Really, those two kept me from falling apart from my drama crap, and once they were gone, things really started to get worse. In addition, I'm scared that when I'm alone that I'll start getting depressed...that's how it's been in the past and it could certainly happen again. At the very least, one of my childhood friends has a friend that goes to Hood, and he might be cool to hang out with and such (doesn't drink though, so boo).

I'm wondering if it might be a good idea to meet with the family counselor because she at least is familiar with my family dynamic, and that might be fairly beneficial to me. My current counselor sort of makes me uncomfortable and is being a tad pushy on me...I'm still up in the air with what I want to do. I don't want to do anything rash, but maybe the family counselor might be able to understand me better and I might be able to explain things easier to her (maybe...I'm bad with words nonetheless). In addition, in about a month I might not have any health insurance coverage, which would make it hard to see a counselor without paying a shitload out of pocket.

Anyways, here's my class list:

Ornithology
Virology
Ancient Rome
Internship (not set in stone what that's going to be yet - FMH possibly)

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, August 18th, 2008
7:37 pm
Birthday coming up...new beginnings, I hope
Well, it's certainly been an up and down year, my 21st year of life - though, I have to say, it seems to be full of more downs than ups. Sure, my 21st birthday was nice, I've gotten to see some great bands over the summer, and I've managed to (hopefully) befriend some new college people. However, I feel like I've been on edge a lot, like on the verge of breaking apart; the feeling of not being able to breathe, of an accelerated heart rate, of wanting to climb out of my skin has controlled my actions greatly. I've never had feelings of this intensity before, and only now am I realizing they might be panic attacks, though not very acute if that's what they are. They haven't impacted my functioning, but when my feelings can dictate my actions so strongly, I know there's a problem that needs to be dealt with.

Soon, I'll be turning 22, on Sept. 6, so that only leaves me a couple more weeks until my birthday. All this drama with Monchel has made me realize I've done some things I'm not proud of, maybe even turned into exactly what I hate. Many of the qualities I hate to see in others are exactly the ones that I've exhibited while wrapped up in this downward spiral of obsessiveness - I can barely stand how hypocritical I've been. This is why I would very much like to change a lot of things now, and I'm hoping my time being 22 will be a lot more productive. I'd like to exhume and exorcise those bad qualities about me - the obsessiveness, the possible panic attacks, my problem with seeing others' perspectives much of the time. I want to start fresh and stop being such a monster to my family and friends - hopefully that won't lose me anyone else in the process. It feels like I've already lost 2 friends in the process of all this shit, and I'd really hate to lose anymore now.

I'm also pondering of seeing a different counselor. This one has some good insights, such as my lack of self-control, but some of his suggestions on things are bizarre. He thinks my clothing style is more immature than how old I actually am, though I'm not sure if that's necessarily a bad thing. Personally, I try to look at people's personalities rather than their clothing style when determining if they would be the type of person I'd like to be around or not, and I really hope that's what other people do too. Some of the fault with things might be my difficulty with explaining things to him - I tend to be using other people's words to describe situations, but when inquired to explain further, I'm at a loss for words, and I'm thinking this might be that I'm going with other's opinions of the situation while not coming up with my own one. Could be that I'm just afraid of my perspective being so skewed that I'm more willing to go with someone else's opinion on matters. I think I'm going to try to focus more on my anxiety with him, try to get him to figure out a game plan to deal with that and improve my handling of that feeling, and if it's not working then, I'm thinking I might try to find another counselor/therapist to work with.

Anybody got any opinions on my situation with my counselor? I'd hate to make a rash decision and have to start explaining everything over again to a new counselor if it turns out I should have stuck with the current one. I can try to explain what my problem with him is a little more, if anyone needs any clarification.
Sunday, August 10th, 2008
1:07 am
Random quiz
Random quiz result that I generally agree with. Funny thing is this is exactly the result I thought I would get:

Your result for The Attachment Style Test...

The Cuddleslut

43% Anxiety Over Abandonment and 25% Avoidance Of Intimacy

You're mostly secure, but sometimes you need a little extra reassurance to make it through the tough times. You are usually affectionate and sweet, and you find it easy to fall in love. An encouraging word from a crush or a loved one can motivate you for weeks.



Fictional character with whom you might identify: Kaylee (Firefly/Serenity), Hiro Nakamura (Heroes)



KayleeFrye.jpg HiroNakamura.jpg




Other Attachment Types:
Secure: The Unicorn | The Cuddleslut | The Free Agent
Preoccupied: The Cling Wrap | The Squid | The Insect
Fearful: The Doormat | The Leper | The Exile
Dismissing: The Hermit | The Stone | The Player
Confused: The Waffler

Take The Attachment Style Test at HelloQuizzy



Current Mood: tired
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
6:45 pm
Goals
I've been thinking that there's a list of goals I should come up with, to better improve myself. Here's what I can come up with so far:

- Treat women with more respect, especially to their wishes in sexual situations
- Learn to look at both sides of matters, and to improve my perspective about things
- Deal with my anxiety issues and possible OCD issues
- Learn to be more social
- Learn to keep my emotions in check and not let them override my decisions
- Learn to not alienate my friends or emotionally manipulate them
- Be able to concentrate on things better and not be distracted so easily
- Improve how I see myself, my self-image

Current Mood: contemplative
Saturday, July 26th, 2008
9:06 pm
Happy stuff
Well, since I've been mostly morose about things, I might as well tell about some more uplifting things that have been going on.

Last weekend, I went to see The Dark Knight with my two sisters. It was a pretty good movie, with Christian Bale putting in a good acting job as Bruce Wayne/Batman (though he seems to be overdoing it a tad with his Batman voice there). Heath Ledger was great as The Joker - I've never really seen him act quite so convincingly. He gave the role a great sense of eerieness that worked well with the dark image of the movie. I think it's actually a better movie than Batman Begins.

The weekend before that I went down to Baltimore with my family. My sisters went to watch All Time Low play at the Rams Head Live, so me and my parents ate at this place called the Mondo grill and watched Carbon Leaf play right near the restaurant. Carbon Leaf was pretty good - they played some nice hard rock with some lighter Irish sounding songs thrown in. The use of flute and accordion worked pretty well with the songs. The Mondo grill had good food - I got a proscutto and spinach sandwich (proscutto is an Italian ham, salt-cured), which was really good (though really salty) but I couldn't finish all of it. I kind of drank a lot on that night - 4 beers (3 Michelob Ultras and a Dos Equis) and a margarita, but it didn't really get me that bad.

Got some new music too that's been fun and interesting - Devo's "Freedom of Choice" (the one with their hit "Whip It"), Tears for Fears' "The Hurting", Gary Numan's "Telekon", Van Halen's self-titled debut, and Stone Temple Pilots' "Purple" and "Tiny Music". All of these CD's have been pretty good - makes me want to check out more stuff by Devo, Gary Numan, Van Halen, and Stone Temple Pilots (I'm unsure about checking out more stuff by Tears for Fears).

Current Mood: complacent
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
2:01 pm
Big day tomorrow
Tomorrow's going to be a big day, and hopefully an interesting one too (in a good way). After many people telling me I should go see a counselor, I'm going to be seeing one tomorrow (a professional one, that is, because I did see the one at Hood - there's a difference, I'm sure). I need to find some way to pick myself up, really. I feel empty inside often, which isn't healthy, and I'm going to have a difficult time forgiving myself for some things that I've done. I'm just going to have to hope for the best, and work at it.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, July 21st, 2008
1:47 am
What's ahead
I don't know what's in store for me anymore. Frankly, I don't care. I'm beyond caring. Whatever happens now, for better or worse, I'll take it as it is. I'm numb enough that nothing's going to hurt me really by this point.

I'd like to know what's at the end of the dark tunnel for me, but I have no way of knowing. I'm just going to have to take things one painful day at a time.

As far as I know now, I've lost my best friend, and I don't know if I'll ever have one again. I know what I've done, and I can't let that happen ever again. That kind of behavior should be unacceptable with anyone, so I'm not making any excuses for myself.

I'd like to say I'll be able to pick myself up and move on with my life right away, but I'm not sure about that. This is the thing that only time and professional help can heal. For the meantime, though, I don't see a reason to try with anyone. The people I've tried to be nice to and communicate with haven't reciprocated, and that's hurt a lot. I don't see a reason to try right now unless that's going to change. I don't want to befriend the freshmen, not unless they change their attitudes, and I don't like what I've seen before. I don't feel a lot of people have similar interests to what I truly love and like - I might not have met the people that do (besides Monchel, my own father, and my ex-roommate/friend Camille), but that's how I feel right now.

Current Mood: crushed
Wednesday, July 16th, 2008
12:10 pm
What's happenin'
Not really that much to report, mostly been working at SSA during the week and such (where I am now, yay for lunch break!). I was hanging with Stephanie and her friends for like 3 weekends in the end of June, but now I really haven't had all that much to do. I was going to go to a carnival last Friday or Saturday, but I didn't really have the motivation, or energy.

Not really sure what to do this weekend when it comes (besides seeing The Dark Knight, of course). My mom mentioned ArtScape, but I'm not so sure...I know someone who's going, and it could be awkward if I ran into her :(.

Have been talking with Monchel recently, and trying to discuss some issues so that we can (hopefully) be good friends again. Unfortunately, I'm an idiot that's scared to look his problems in the face (but I'm going to try now - I'm definitely going to go to a counselor now, no more putting that off), I'm horrible with words, and have a pretty skewed perspective on things. I don't know if I can do this right or not - I'm trying, but I'm scared that I'm going to blow it. I mean, I'm trying to give her space, and she says she doesn't mind talking to me. Basically, I'm trying to be friendly without tipping over into botherage/annoyance mode, though I'm not quite sure where that line is. I've tried to say that I want to make things right, and if there's anything she needs me to do to make things right, that she can tell me, but she hasn't responded. I don't know if she just hasn't had the time or energy to respond, or if I've been grating on her nerves and that's why. I'll have to take the safer route, I suppose, and give her some time to herself by not contacting her in a while.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
9:39 pm
Things goin down
So yeah, there's really not been too much interesting that's been goin on in my life right now.

Was working at Music and Arts, Inc. in Frederick off of Rt. 85 for a good 2 or 3 weeks (picking instruments and standing on my feet all day, oh joy), but now I've been hired at SSA (Social Security Administration) as a summer aide in the Security West building off of Woodlawn Dr. (in Woodlawn, MD; close to Baltimore). I like the location and the job, and I'm just across the street from my parents as well, which is nice (carpooling and can eat lunch with them if I'd like).

I've been kind of down recently, for obvious reason that you all should know if you know me. Luckily, I've had my former commuter friend Stephanie to hang out with over the last 2 weekends - this last weekend at her friend Scott's apartment, for his girlfriend's 21st b-day party, and the weekend before last to TGI Friday's and then a karaoke bar (originally was supposed to go to Dave and Busters in Arundel Mills Mall, but it closed early).

Despite this, I don't know, it only seems to help me feel better when I'm actually hanging out. During the week, when it's just me and my family, it's more easier for me to feel down, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm still thinking intently about trying out a dating site, to hopefully get someone to date or the very least to hang out with. I'm also probably going to see a counselor or a psychologist - my OCD problems feel like they've gone out of control at points, and that seriously scares me.

Oh yeah, and for any of those that are interested, I have a music and poetry blog on Wordpress (where I put up music videos and poetry and comment about them). Here's the link:

http://isolator86.wordpress.com/

So yeah, comment on it please if you have the time and such - any suggestions/criticism to my writing style is greatly appreciated.

Btw, I hope that everyone's doing alright, keep it real people.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
4:56 pm
Dante's Inferno test
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

You'd think I'd be worse than the first level of Hell, wouldn't you? I'm even surprised by that...
Monday, April 14th, 2008
9:13 pm
Friends
I really just don't understand things. Mainly just how friends are with me.

I feel like I'm an outsider sort of friend - someone people will talk to, occasionally invite to hang out with or take a random grocery store/Sheetz run/mall run, and sit with at lunch tables.

People seem to have their own circles of friends whom with they hang around with a lot, and that's something I miss. I haven't had that since Monchel and Ony, basically - the three of us used to hang out alot, and for once in my life, I wasn't lonely.

It's not as if I'm not being friendly with people - I put myself out there, that's for sure. And I've been doing so more often than I have for a while, really. It's just really discouraging when the bulk of my efforts aren't reciprocated - the new people I've tried to talk with, do they invite me to hang out with them at all? Does it always have to be me putting out the effort? I don't mind putting out the effort to talk to people, but when it's always one-sided, it just feels like it's all for naught.

The friends that do include me are almost always busy too, which sucks. I should be more busy than I am by this point, but surprisingly I've gotten a break of sorts in regards to work - don't worry, next week and the week after is going to be crunch time for sure, test next week, project and test the week after. I'm not so much complaining about the latter group, it's the former group (newer friends) I'm concerned about - it'd be pretty stupid to be mad at my friends for what they can't control, wouldn't it?

I'm kind of concerned about Liz right now, actually. The poor girl's had one friend act like an ass to her, and she said she just generally felt weird today. You know it's bad when you can physically tell that someone's not doing so well - she's just got this look of exhaustion or something on her face. I'm afraid to talk to her on AIM now - I asked her if she was feeling better earlier, and she said she was feeling worse, and plus, she didn't even respond to my message telling her about the pizza at the loft for the movie thing. And that particular friend was at the Hood Democrat club's movie showing tonight, sitting right next to Liz. That confused the hell out of me. I hate it when a friend just is in a generally foul mood and I can do nothing to help it, or maybe I'm afraid I'll just make matters worse. Honestly, I think that's what Monchel didn't like - she felt like she was expending her energy to try to cheer me up and that I wasn't reciprocating at all (which is bullshit, alot of times I tried to cheer her up as best as I could - problem is, I'm a social retard, so what I think will help is the complete opposite; and some times I didn't do anything, that's true).

Please, no one say anything about moving on from Monchel or anything - I've heard enough, I'm doing what I can, and I'm just using that statement as an example that the helpless feeling I'm talking about has been seen by others and I'm not just being paranoid. I don't know - is it better for someone to try and fail than to be too scared to try at all? I'm thinking of that statement now, and it doesn't make sense to me - it seems like she would rather I try and fail, than do nothing. I have a feeling even in situations where I would have tried and failed, it still wouldn't have been enough.

Jamie, maybe what Monchel said is right - maybe I do need more than she does. Maybe I just have my expectations and needs too high - they might just be plain at unreasonable amounts. I know people can include me in their own circle of friends, but it's been so long since I've had that, I'm disillusioned as to it ever happening again.

Current Mood: confused
Friday, April 4th, 2008
5:45 pm
Blog rating, and various other stuffs



Ok, it said that "fucking", "ass", and "dead" determined the R rating for my LJ. The first 2, yeah, I understand that, but dead? Dead is not a curse of any sort, and neither is it a foul word, so yeah...weird.

Anyways, I've actually been feeling a lot better recently. I've been hanging out with more people, Cass and Irving to be specific, and that's been fun :). I totally did get smashed last night in Irving's room - Cass opened the door for me because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to walk to the bathroom without falling over x_x. Yay!

Tonight should be fun - I'm going over to Shriner because my friend, April, is going to be having a birthday celebration thingy.

Besides these recent events, unfortunately, I've basically figured out that the one girl on campus that I was sort of interested in does not like me in that way. I've figured this out because A) she says the first thing she notices in guys is their looks, and she certainly hasn't said anything about mine (rather, she said Irving is kind of cute up close), B) she's said she's very picky with who she dates, and C) she's blown off the hints that my friends have thrown in. I feel weird because I've kinda inadvertently flirted with her, and yeah, I don't want to like scare her away, because she's a cool friend and easy to talk to. That's why I've decided to not even tell her that I kind of like her, because that might scare her away (that is, if she hasn't already figured it out by now - there is the not-so-subtle hints that certain individuals have been dropping when I'm with them and her; not that the hints are a problem or anything). Apparently she said something to me at the JSU Purim Masquerade ball that got me to blush, but I can't exactly remember what. Oh yeah, I've said some stupid things too - some tmi things, because I'm weird like that.

I'm not really upset over the situation really, I just find it slightly annoying that the first girl I've liked since Monchel broke up with me doesn't like me back. Stuff like that never really seems to work out for me well - first, there was my first girlfriend, who I didn't like romantically, so that stopped one she moved away; second, there was my one night stand, where I really did want something to happen afterwards, and that blew up in my face (and no, I'm not upset over that anymore, I've had a long time to get over that and I have). After that, I started dating Monchel about a month after my one night stand, and that went well for 6 months until she broke up with me. During the 3 months we were broken up, I got to be decent friends with a commuter, Stephanie, and it was obvious that we both liked each other. At least I got a kiss out of that, but unfortunately, she choose instead to date her Towson friend, Mike (I'm not really upset over this either, it was a let down for sure, but things looked up afterwards). Finally, Monchel asked if I wanted to date her again, so I said yes, and I think the relationship went a lot better the second time around. I had tried to look at the mistakes that happened the first time around, and I had finally stopped being so touchy-feely (I hated that, I felt like a prisoner, like I couldn't feel ok if I didn't have my arm around her or something. I suppose it was just that she's the first girl I've ever loved, and I wanted to revel in that), but it seems our personalities clashed a bit too much as lovers, so she broke up with me again. That second break-up, and the resulting indefinite period of no communication, has been incredibly difficult to deal with - so far, it's been 6 months since she started that, and though we have had some communication (usually on my part, because I did, and still do, really miss her quite a lot), it wasn't anything consistent or long. I hate the whole damned situation - I pushed her away so much by trying to talk to her that she's unsure of if and when we can talk to each other again. I really, really don't want to lose her as a friend - I want to hold true to the promise we made when we first started dating, and that was that we would remain friends, no matter what would happen - and I really hope she's still trying to stay true to that promise too. I don't know how I haven't felt bad for pushing her to this point, but it's good that I haven't - if I get in a bad mood, it can take a lot to get me out of it sometimes.

I don't know, I either want to say fuck relationships and just remain single indefinitely (fat chance there, I like being in a relationship more than being single) or I want to try out a dating site. I feel, hopefully, that with a dating site, I could at the very least find a good friend, if me and the girl don't connect dating-wise. That's what I really want, I want a consistent (in that I can contact him/her a fair bit) friend in person that I can talk to - that's what Monchel was, and that's the thing that's been hurting me.

It's really only now that I've started to recover from feeling down on myself, and have been able to branch out a bit more socially, and I hope this trend continues, because it really does help.

Current Mood: tired
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