floydfanatic86 (floydfanatic86) wrote,

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Blog rating, and various other stuffs

Ok, it said that "fucking", "ass", and "dead" determined the R rating for my LJ. The first 2, yeah, I understand that, but dead? Dead is not a curse of any sort, and neither is it a foul word, so yeah...weird.

Anyways, I've actually been feeling a lot better recently. I've been hanging out with more people, Cass and Irving to be specific, and that's been fun :). I totally did get smashed last night in Irving's room - Cass opened the door for me because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to walk to the bathroom without falling over x_x. Yay!

Tonight should be fun - I'm going over to Shriner because my friend, April, is going to be having a birthday celebration thingy.

Besides these recent events, unfortunately, I've basically figured out that the one girl on campus that I was sort of interested in does not like me in that way. I've figured this out because A) she says the first thing she notices in guys is their looks, and she certainly hasn't said anything about mine (rather, she said Irving is kind of cute up close), B) she's said she's very picky with who she dates, and C) she's blown off the hints that my friends have thrown in. I feel weird because I've kinda inadvertently flirted with her, and yeah, I don't want to like scare her away, because she's a cool friend and easy to talk to. That's why I've decided to not even tell her that I kind of like her, because that might scare her away (that is, if she hasn't already figured it out by now - there is the not-so-subtle hints that certain individuals have been dropping when I'm with them and her; not that the hints are a problem or anything). Apparently she said something to me at the JSU Purim Masquerade ball that got me to blush, but I can't exactly remember what. Oh yeah, I've said some stupid things too - some tmi things, because I'm weird like that.

I'm not really upset over the situation really, I just find it slightly annoying that the first girl I've liked since Monchel broke up with me doesn't like me back. Stuff like that never really seems to work out for me well - first, there was my first girlfriend, who I didn't like romantically, so that stopped one she moved away; second, there was my one night stand, where I really did want something to happen afterwards, and that blew up in my face (and no, I'm not upset over that anymore, I've had a long time to get over that and I have). After that, I started dating Monchel about a month after my one night stand, and that went well for 6 months until she broke up with me. During the 3 months we were broken up, I got to be decent friends with a commuter, Stephanie, and it was obvious that we both liked each other. At least I got a kiss out of that, but unfortunately, she choose instead to date her Towson friend, Mike (I'm not really upset over this either, it was a let down for sure, but things looked up afterwards). Finally, Monchel asked if I wanted to date her again, so I said yes, and I think the relationship went a lot better the second time around. I had tried to look at the mistakes that happened the first time around, and I had finally stopped being so touchy-feely (I hated that, I felt like a prisoner, like I couldn't feel ok if I didn't have my arm around her or something. I suppose it was just that she's the first girl I've ever loved, and I wanted to revel in that), but it seems our personalities clashed a bit too much as lovers, so she broke up with me again. That second break-up, and the resulting indefinite period of no communication, has been incredibly difficult to deal with - so far, it's been 6 months since she started that, and though we have had some communication (usually on my part, because I did, and still do, really miss her quite a lot), it wasn't anything consistent or long. I hate the whole damned situation - I pushed her away so much by trying to talk to her that she's unsure of if and when we can talk to each other again. I really, really don't want to lose her as a friend - I want to hold true to the promise we made when we first started dating, and that was that we would remain friends, no matter what would happen - and I really hope she's still trying to stay true to that promise too. I don't know how I haven't felt bad for pushing her to this point, but it's good that I haven't - if I get in a bad mood, it can take a lot to get me out of it sometimes.

I don't know, I either want to say fuck relationships and just remain single indefinitely (fat chance there, I like being in a relationship more than being single) or I want to try out a dating site. I feel, hopefully, that with a dating site, I could at the very least find a good friend, if me and the girl don't connect dating-wise. That's what I really want, I want a consistent (in that I can contact him/her a fair bit) friend in person that I can talk to - that's what Monchel was, and that's the thing that's been hurting me.

It's really only now that I've started to recover from feeling down on myself, and have been able to branch out a bit more socially, and I hope this trend continues, because it really does help.
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