floydfanatic86 (floydfanatic86) wrote,

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I really just don't understand things. Mainly just how friends are with me.

I feel like I'm an outsider sort of friend - someone people will talk to, occasionally invite to hang out with or take a random grocery store/Sheetz run/mall run, and sit with at lunch tables.

People seem to have their own circles of friends whom with they hang around with a lot, and that's something I miss. I haven't had that since Monchel and Ony, basically - the three of us used to hang out alot, and for once in my life, I wasn't lonely.

It's not as if I'm not being friendly with people - I put myself out there, that's for sure. And I've been doing so more often than I have for a while, really. It's just really discouraging when the bulk of my efforts aren't reciprocated - the new people I've tried to talk with, do they invite me to hang out with them at all? Does it always have to be me putting out the effort? I don't mind putting out the effort to talk to people, but when it's always one-sided, it just feels like it's all for naught.

The friends that do include me are almost always busy too, which sucks. I should be more busy than I am by this point, but surprisingly I've gotten a break of sorts in regards to work - don't worry, next week and the week after is going to be crunch time for sure, test next week, project and test the week after. I'm not so much complaining about the latter group, it's the former group (newer friends) I'm concerned about - it'd be pretty stupid to be mad at my friends for what they can't control, wouldn't it?

I'm kind of concerned about Liz right now, actually. The poor girl's had one friend act like an ass to her, and she said she just generally felt weird today. You know it's bad when you can physically tell that someone's not doing so well - she's just got this look of exhaustion or something on her face. I'm afraid to talk to her on AIM now - I asked her if she was feeling better earlier, and she said she was feeling worse, and plus, she didn't even respond to my message telling her about the pizza at the loft for the movie thing. And that particular friend was at the Hood Democrat club's movie showing tonight, sitting right next to Liz. That confused the hell out of me. I hate it when a friend just is in a generally foul mood and I can do nothing to help it, or maybe I'm afraid I'll just make matters worse. Honestly, I think that's what Monchel didn't like - she felt like she was expending her energy to try to cheer me up and that I wasn't reciprocating at all (which is bullshit, alot of times I tried to cheer her up as best as I could - problem is, I'm a social retard, so what I think will help is the complete opposite; and some times I didn't do anything, that's true).

Please, no one say anything about moving on from Monchel or anything - I've heard enough, I'm doing what I can, and I'm just using that statement as an example that the helpless feeling I'm talking about has been seen by others and I'm not just being paranoid. I don't know - is it better for someone to try and fail than to be too scared to try at all? I'm thinking of that statement now, and it doesn't make sense to me - it seems like she would rather I try and fail, than do nothing. I have a feeling even in situations where I would have tried and failed, it still wouldn't have been enough.

Jamie, maybe what Monchel said is right - maybe I do need more than she does. Maybe I just have my expectations and needs too high - they might just be plain at unreasonable amounts. I know people can include me in their own circle of friends, but it's been so long since I've had that, I'm disillusioned as to it ever happening again.
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