floydfanatic86 (floydfanatic86) wrote,

Birthday coming up...new beginnings, I hope

Well, it's certainly been an up and down year, my 21st year of life - though, I have to say, it seems to be full of more downs than ups. Sure, my 21st birthday was nice, I've gotten to see some great bands over the summer, and I've managed to (hopefully) befriend some new college people. However, I feel like I've been on edge a lot, like on the verge of breaking apart; the feeling of not being able to breathe, of an accelerated heart rate, of wanting to climb out of my skin has controlled my actions greatly. I've never had feelings of this intensity before, and only now am I realizing they might be panic attacks, though not very acute if that's what they are. They haven't impacted my functioning, but when my feelings can dictate my actions so strongly, I know there's a problem that needs to be dealt with.

Soon, I'll be turning 22, on Sept. 6, so that only leaves me a couple more weeks until my birthday. All this drama with Monchel has made me realize I've done some things I'm not proud of, maybe even turned into exactly what I hate. Many of the qualities I hate to see in others are exactly the ones that I've exhibited while wrapped up in this downward spiral of obsessiveness - I can barely stand how hypocritical I've been. This is why I would very much like to change a lot of things now, and I'm hoping my time being 22 will be a lot more productive. I'd like to exhume and exorcise those bad qualities about me - the obsessiveness, the possible panic attacks, my problem with seeing others' perspectives much of the time. I want to start fresh and stop being such a monster to my family and friends - hopefully that won't lose me anyone else in the process. It feels like I've already lost 2 friends in the process of all this shit, and I'd really hate to lose anymore now.

I'm also pondering of seeing a different counselor. This one has some good insights, such as my lack of self-control, but some of his suggestions on things are bizarre. He thinks my clothing style is more immature than how old I actually am, though I'm not sure if that's necessarily a bad thing. Personally, I try to look at people's personalities rather than their clothing style when determining if they would be the type of person I'd like to be around or not, and I really hope that's what other people do too. Some of the fault with things might be my difficulty with explaining things to him - I tend to be using other people's words to describe situations, but when inquired to explain further, I'm at a loss for words, and I'm thinking this might be that I'm going with other's opinions of the situation while not coming up with my own one. Could be that I'm just afraid of my perspective being so skewed that I'm more willing to go with someone else's opinion on matters. I think I'm going to try to focus more on my anxiety with him, try to get him to figure out a game plan to deal with that and improve my handling of that feeling, and if it's not working then, I'm thinking I might try to find another counselor/therapist to work with.

Anybody got any opinions on my situation with my counselor? I'd hate to make a rash decision and have to start explaining everything over again to a new counselor if it turns out I should have stuck with the current one. I can try to explain what my problem with him is a little more, if anyone needs any clarification.
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